Spiritual Bypass: What it is and how to avoid doing it!

Many people come to spirituality of all kinds looking for a way to escape their mundane life. They believe that religion and mysticism can grant them a “make my life better” card which, in some cases, it can. However, there are things that need to be taken into consideration when dealing with spirituality and general life. Everyone knows life isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time — that’s normal! There are people in the world, though, who use spirituality to brush their mundane issues to the side in the hopes of avoiding them or making them go away.

So, let’s talk about spiritual bypass.

As a general note before we move forward, the term spiritual bypass has its roots in psychology. I have to mention that I am not a psychological professional nor is any of this post to be considered psychological advice. If you need that kind of assistance, please reach out to a professional in your area.

What Is Spiritual Bypass?

By definition, spiritual bypass is a defense mechanism that is used to avoid problems and triggers that make us uncomfortable or that we have been conditioned to think are bad. The term was first coined by a psychotherapist and author named John Welwood. His definition is a bit longer, but it deserves credit here, too. The following quote is from an article on Psychology Today titled What Is Spiritual Bypassing?

“In his classic book, Toward a Psychology of Awakening … he defined spiritual bypassing as using “spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep personal, emotional ‘unfinished business,’ to shore up a shaky sense of self, or to belittle basic needs, feelings, and developmental tasks.” The goal of such practices, he claimed, was enlightenment.”

While the goal of most people who partake in spiritual bypass is enlightenment or some sort of spiritual achievement, it can be a dangerous thing to do because of psychology. It quickly turns into a defense mechanism rather than a tool for spiritual growth. This defense mechanism, while not looking very harmful, shields us from the truth, disconnects us from our feelings, and helps us avoid the big picture. It becomes more about checking out rather than checking in — and the difference is so subtle that most people don’t even realize they’re doing it.

What Does Spiritual Bypass Look Like?

If this thing people do is so subtle as to be unrecognizable, how do we actually recognize it? Well, there are several things to look out for. One of the most common signs of spiritual bypassing in the spiritual community at large is the idea of “Good vibes only” and “No negativity allowed”. These two phrases, while well-meaning, can do more harm than good. There is a time and place for both “bad vibes” and “negativity”. If everyone in the world ignored the bad things that happened, we wouldn’t have had major social movements such as the Civil Rights Movement, the Stonewall Riots, and the Black Lives Matter movement.

Here are a few more signs of spiritual bypassing to look out for:

• A constant need to feel positive at all times
• Guilt over feeling any sort of “negative” emotion, e.g. anger, sadness, jealousy, etc.
• Placing too much emphasis on the positive and ignoring the negative
• Pretending that everything is okay even if it isn’t
• Participation in cognitive dissonance
• Overt idealism
• Self-righteousness and entitlement
• Turning to any spiritual practice when something bad or negative happens
• Covering up issues you may be having with a spiritual practice
• Sudden bursts of anger or other “negative” emotions

Now, you can see that a handful of these on their own aren’t necessarily harmful. For example, it is natural to turn to one’s faith and spiritual practice during rough parts of their life. Religion and spirituality bring people comfort and that is often what we need when things are difficult. However, it leans more into spiritual bypassing when that is done along with other things such as covering up issues, pretending things are okay, and not dealing with emotions.

I feel like I also need to point out that everyone’s situation is different and someone might do these things for their own safety. That is different, and if you are struggling with your safety then I urge you to get help in whatever way you can.

The best analogy I can think of is that spiritual bypassing is like sweeping dirt under the rug rather than into the dustpan. You know it’s there, you know it doesn’t belong, but doesn’t everything look so much better now? Just don’t lift up the rug…

What To Do Instead

Now that you’ve got some idea of what spiritual bypass can look like, let’s talk about some examples and some things you can do instead. Remember that everyone’s situation is unique so if something doesn’t speak to you here then that’s okay. It is best to do something that will help your personal situation.

Turning To Your Faith

I know one of the signs in the list above mentions using religion and spirituality to cover up issues you might be having. Another sign is turning to any spiritual practice when things go wrong or get hard. On their own, these are perfectly fine things to do when life gives you lemons. When you mix them with other methods of spiritual bypass and avoidant behavior? That’s when it becomes a problem. Rather than using spiritual practices to avoid the difficult parts of life, use them to help make life better.

As a witch, my go-to examples always involve spellwork, so that’s what I’m using. We’re going to call our example witch Jane. Let’s say Jane lost her job and now she is struggling to pay her rent. Spiritual bypass might look like using spellwork to encourage positivity in her life while she looks for work, telling herself that she doesn’t get to be angry or upset and she just has to keep moving forward.

I find at least two issues with this, though. The first is that Jane’s energy would be better spent on spellwork to help her find a new job, not to encourage positivity. The second is that it is perfectly valid to be angry and upset that she lost her job! Losing her job means it will be harder to pay her rent, buy food, and take care of herself. These are emotions that can help propel her forward, and choosing to ignore them for the sake of “staying positive” can cause her emotional and psychological distress as she deals with the cognitive dissonance of pretending to be positive while staring at unpaid and overdue bills.

So, to counteract the spiritual bypassing that was occurring, it would be best to do spellwork to help Jane find a job. This can include charming job applications, creating a sigil to include in resumes, crafting a spell oil to wear to interviews, and petitioning spirits to help her in her search. I would also encourage Jane to work through the emotions she feels such as anger, sadness, and betrayal. This can be done through journaling, which I will always recommend, or by venting to her friends or seeing a therapist.

In this example, the spiritual practices I recommended don’t aid spiritual bypass because they actively deal with the issues instead of avoiding and ignoring them.

Feel Your Emotions

While not always pretty or productive in a societal sense, our emotions actually serve a very valuable purpose for us. They help us navigate the world around us, make important decisions, and form connections with the people we care about. When we experience a so-called “negative” emotion, we are usually experiencing something that our socio-economic upbringing has deemed “bad”. For example, most men in the United States are conditioned to believe that they can’t show any emotion other than anger, pride, or general contentment. Growing up, boys are told not to cry — crying is for girls, remember? — and this damages their psychological and emotional growth and maturity.

On the flip side of that, emotions that are commonly associated with femininity, such as sadness and excitement (or really anything that causes crying) are demonized and looked down upon. Girls are encouraged not to show emotion, especially if crying, because it makes them seem weak and it makes other people uncomfortable. Fun, right?

Looking at these two things that happen in the United States, we can easily see how avoiding our emotions becomes a daily part of our lives. This leaves people of all gender identities emotionally immature and unavailable. It can take years to unlearn this behavior, but we can always start it on our own!

This is one way you can break out of the habit of spiritual bypassing. Grab a notebook or something to record your thoughts in and just let it all out. Seriously! You can even create a private YouTube channel to upload video diary entries to, or use a voice notes app on your phone. The whole purpose is to work through the emotions you’re feeling to help you get to the root of the issue and understand what it is that you’re feeling. Emotions aren’t a bad thing, and learning to recognize them and work through them is a great way to avoid brushing them off and bottling them up.

Here is an exercise I like to use when I can’t identify what I’m feeling. I learned this technique during therapy when learning how to identify different emotions.

• First, I close my eyes and take several deep breaths. This helps calm the nervous system and slow my heart rate back down; chances are that my emotions got me worked up and my heart is beating faster than normal.

• Then, I think about what it is that has me feeling a certain way. I notice what I feel in my body first. This helps me identify if what I’m feeling is an emotion or a symptom of my anxiety, depression, or ADHD.

• Once I’ve identified where I’m feeling things in my body, I can narrow down how I feel. For example, if you are feeling a tightness in your chest, you might be feeling nervous, anxious, or guilty. Sadness is often carried in the entire upper torso from the collarbones to the belly. Fear is often carried in the middle of the abdomen. Anger is usually carried higher up around the head and neck, while depression affects the limbs and can make your body feel heavy. These are all just examples and they aren’t the same for everyone, though it has been found that most people feel these emotions in their body in similar ways.

• Now that I’ve pieced together what I might be feeling, I can look at things more closely. Let’s say I’m feeling hot in the face and my pulse is elevated. When that is paired with seeing something I told my child to do days ago still not done, I know I’m feeling anger. But anger isn’t just anger – it can be more than that! The emotions of frustration, irritation, and annoyance all fall under that category for me. When I pinpoint exactly what’s going on with me emotionally, I am better equipped to handle my reactions and work through what I’m feeling.

The key point here is to allow yourself to feel your emotions! Bottling them up isn’t good for you, and it can actually have detrimental effects on your mental and physical health.

Routine Check-Ins

Everyone has bad days, right? We aren’t going to be perfect all the time, and honestly, I don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect person. To make sure you’re not engaging in spiritual bypass, it is important to check in with yourself regularly. See how you’re feeling, how things are going in your life, and what your practice looks like. This requires being very honest with yourself. If you’re not, then bad habits and avoidant behaviors might continue until they blow up in your face. And trust me, we don’t want that happening!

Make time for yourself to have this check-in practice. It can be once a month during a monthly tarot reading, weekly during meditation, or even during therapy if that’s something you’re doing. An active Shadow Work practice can help, too, if that’s something you’re comfortable doing. That can get very deep and dark depending on your lived experiences, so approach that with the caution it deserves. The important thing to remember here is to keep an open line of communication with yourself. You deserve honesty and you deserve to let yourself feel and experience things!

Just remember…

Spiritual bypassing can be done without even realizing it. If you think this is something you’re doing, it’s okay! There’s no need to feel guilty or stressed about it. As long as you recognize it and can move past it, everything will be okay. It is a process, and sometimes I find myself slipping back into those old habits. It can be easier in the moment, you know? If we just pretend everything is okay then it will be okay, right? But that’s not how it works, and that’s not how we move mountains and create the life we deserve to live.

Below, you will find a few more posts that I think might be helpful to you if you’re exploring spiritual bypassing and shadow work.

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Sources and More Information

• Cognitive Dissonance and the Discomfort of Holding Conflicting Beliefs
• Mind-Body Talk: Decoding the Secret Language of Your Emotions
• The Dangers of Bottling Up Our Emotions

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