Note: This post discusses my mental health and depression. If that is a sensitive subject for you, please read with caution.
It’s been days, almost a week since I’ve lit the candles on my altar. Since I’ve rung the bell. Since I’ve said my prayers. It’s been weeks since I’ve meditated. Since I’ve felt good. Since the light around me felt golden rather than empty.
Being a mentally ill witch means different things to different people, but for me, it often means powering through the day with the things I know need to be done for survival and leaving everything else alone. It means sitting at my computer doing my work, yet forgetting or even ignoring the New Moon. It means forgotten words, an empty cave in my mind where my hopes and dreams lay dormant, sleeping like a hibernating bear. I hope they’ll wake soon. They always do…
Being a mentally ill polytheist means wrestling with guilt and shame when I finally emerge from my darkness, when I will sheepishly approach my altar to dust it off and make apologies. Offerings will be given. Candles will be lit. Tears will most certainly fall.
I’m working through a period of darkness right now. It comes and goes. Some days are better than others, like always, but the darkness is always hovering nearby. It’s like a dark fog waiting for my moment of weakness, waiting for a light to spark in me so it can pounce and swallow me whole.
When I move through these periods of darkness, my witchcraft and religion take a backseat. It’s the truth, and it hurts to type, honestly. Some people move with their religious practices through their darkness. I know if I were to approach Brighid during this darkness, She would certainly lend a hand. We have an agreement, though, that She doesn’t step in unless I ask and seek her help. It appears that may be to my detriment because when my darkness swallows me whole and I can’t see my hand in front of my face, guilt and shame make themselves my partners, and asking for help seems impossible.
I don’t know if this post really serves a purpose other than to get my thoughts out there. Writing it down helps me. I know that I can’t be the only person to have these experiences, so maybe if you’re reading this and feeling the same, you can find solace and peace knowing that you most definitely aren’t alone.